"I saw the best minds of my generation
Destroyed by madness; starving, hysterical..." -Allen Ginsburg, "Howl"

I am an anime fan. I understand.

I understand that, invariably, some things are going to get lost in translation. I realize that, due to the difficulty of syncing dialogue with lip movements, English actors dubbing over an anime are going to sound stilted. I comprehend that, due to cultural differences, some jokes and references are going to have to be localized. So don't think that I don't understand the anime purist mindset. Heck, I've watched more than my fair share of occasionally dubious fansubs with peculiar translations. ("You became a fish for alcohol" is one oddball line that sticks with me.)

With that said, the "true anime" mindset tends to loose me in some places. I don't see the inherent benefits of referring to characters by their Japanese names as opposed to their localized American ones. (It's the same character, after all.) I don't necessarily think that watching dubbed anime is a painful, soul-scarring experience. (Though it may date me, the first few seasons of Pokémon had some truly miraculous American voicework--James in particular.) And although I don't always agree with it, I don't truly believe that the edits made to anime for American television are barbaric and unholy. (I think that most of the people who say this have never seen what the Japanese do to American TV shows, which is even more hideously frightening than the American version of Cardcaptor Sakura--ever seen a science TV show with a laugh track?)

I don't hold any of these quirks against anyone, of course. Anime is a lovely, many-splendored thing, and is enjoyed by many different people on various levels. From the absurdist who gets his yuks watching Hare + Guu and Excel Saga; to the nostalgic viewer who sups of Speed Racer and Sailor Moon; to the oddball shoujo/shonen hybrid that is D.N.Angel, anime takes all sorts. So if you have such fond memories of Kimba the White Lion that you view Jungle Emperor Leo as an anathema, or if you're one of those folks who refers to all of their Pokémon by their Japanese names ("My Hitokage attacks your Noctas with Ember!"), well, you're all more than welcome to come on down to my evening screening of Full Metal Panic (no, not the Alchemist one, doof).

However. There is one thing I cannot, cannot, cannot stand.

I will not tolerate willful ignorance.

The movie Howl's Moving Castle-- or Hauru no Ugoku Shiro, as they in Japan called it--seems to have generated an unusually large fanbase for an anime film. The venerated Studio Ghibli has long been a favorite of anime connoisseurs, from the sweetly sincere My Neighbor Totoro to the dark and fearsome Naussica. But when Spirited Away was fresh, I did not see my Internet art haunt overflow with fanart. I did not hear my casual anime friends gush over the movie, as they have done with Howl. Certainly, there was the occasional portrait of Princess Monoke, Totoro avatar, or rant on how dumb Warriors of the Wind was compared to Naussica--and if you don't know what the former is, you're better off not asking. So why the outpouring of Howl love?

I have two theories, one more cynical than the other. The first lies in the nature of the story--a simple, sweet tale of romance in a bucolic fantasy setting, even with the Ghibli-esque hints of steampunk dotting the landscape. The characters are likeable, the magic exciting, and the romantic resolution between the characters is satisfying--even if the wrapping-up of the overarching plot does leave a little to be desired.

The second? Well, there are an awful lot of teenaged girls in the anime fandom, if Internet message boards are any indication. And what is Howl if not one of the best-animated bishonen in recent memory? Perfect hair. Large, alert, feminine eyes. Outrageous, but aesthetically appealing, fashion sense. A dark secret that only a kindly girl can tease out of him. And what a plain girl she is, too! She spends most of the movie in the form of an old woman, and even as a young gal, she's not winning any beauty pageants. Talk about wish fulfillment!

Whatever the case, Howl has certainly struck a chord with the Internet's many anime fans. Unfortunately, as is the case with many things, the more popular it has become... the less people seem to understand it.

I think there should be a test. Anyone who wants to upload Howl's Moving Castle fanart to the Internet should be required to answer one simple question. "How old is Howl's apprentice?"

Anyone who answers "About 7 or 8" immediately has their Howl fanart license revoked.

Those who reply "Around 15-ish" get a pass.

Anyone who says "Who are we talking about, Michael or Markl?" receives my personal kudos for being able to differentiate between Howl's Moving Castle, the movie, and Howl's Moving Castle, the book.

The book which isn't even remotely Japanese.

Anyone who refers to Howl exclusively as "Hauru" (the same people who refer to Ash Ketchum as Satoshi--you know who you are) needs to put down their DVD collection and read a book. No, not a manga. A book. With words. And very few pictures. I want these people to go down to their local library and step into their Children's or Young Adult section (shelving of this one can get dubious). I want them to go to the "J" section of the chapter books and begin perusing the shelves. They are looking for an author by the name of Jones. Diana Wynne Jones.

Tell me right now, does that sound like the name of a Japanese person to you? Does it sound anything like the name of renowned director and storyteller Hayao Miyazaki, one of many men to be dubbed the "Walt Disney of Japan?"

I want these people to check out this book and read it. It's not a difficult read. It shouldn't take you more than a few days if you're diligent. Sometime during this reading, I want them to check the inside cover of the book for the copyright page. You know, that page to the left of the dedication, with all that tiny, fussy text about the legal folderol pertaining to the book. Look at the copyright date. This is what you will see.

"Copyright (C) 1986 by Diana Wynne Jones."

1986. Let that sink in for a little while.

1986. 2004. 1986. 2004. Are you beginning to comprehend what's happened here?

As much as I hate to rain on the parades of the many Howl fans out there, Howl's Moving Castle is not an original work. It is based on a very British novel written two decades prior to its release as a theatrical film. The original novel has very little to do with the war that serves as the focal point to the movie--it's still there, but in a greatly diminished respect. Instead, it has everything to do with sending up fairy tales, eons before Shrek made it popular. In the movie, Sophie offhandedly remarks that she doesn't mind working in the hat shop because "she's the eldest." One might assume this is born of a cultural duty--it's the job of the firstborn to serve and honor the parents. Nope. Rather, it's because the eldest always gets the short end of the stick. Who gets the talking cat? The magic beans? The love of the princess? The youngest, of course. Who gets a boring field of grain or eaten by a wolf? Sophie does, or so she assumes. This is, of course, only the beginning--there are still the Seven-League Boots, magical computer games, Howl's girlfriend--the sexy secondary-school English teacher--witty chapter titles, and a green slime scene umpteen times better than the one in the movie. Howl himself is Welsh, not Ingarian. (And I’ll bet you didn’t even know that the kingdom in Howl is called Ingary.)

I really, really wonder how all this information can just slip beneath the noses of all the collective Howl fans out there. Especially if you’ve, you know, actually watched the movie. The opening has the movie’s logo right there, within the first minute. It gives you the title, and right beneath it, it says:

“Based on a novel by Diana Wynne Jones.”

Right there! How can so many people possibly overlook something like this?!

The only thing I can possibly think of is this:

1. Because these people also tend to refer to Howl as “Hauru,” they are probably so-called hardcore anime fans.

2. Because they consider themselves hardcore anime fans, they’ll only watch anime in Japanese.

3. In order to avoid brushing shoulders with the icky dub, they either A) waited until the movie came out on DVD in order to enjoy the original Japanese-language track, or B) watched a dubious fansubbed version on the Internet.

4. The Japanese version probably had a title logo in Japanese, and credits in Japanese. Most of these people cannot read Japanese.

5. Due to their inability to read Japanese, and their refusal to watch the English version, these people never got the message that the movie they are so in luuurve with is actually British in origin.

I sincerely hope most anime fans are smarter than this, but you have to admit—if anime snobbery lead all these Howl fans into knowing nothing about the thing they claim to be a snob about, it would be pretty hilariously ironic.

If you are a Howl fan, and you only just discovered the existence of this book, and if you are genuinely apologetic about this, then do not worry. This rant was not directed at you. If, however, you know of the existence of the book, and still persist in referring to the good wizard himself as “Hauru,” and think Markl is a perfectly acceptable name for a human being, and refuse to read the book on the grounds that it will ruin your faaaavorite movie for you, then please do all of us Diana Wynne Jones fans a favor and forfeit your copy of the DVD. You do us, Miss Jones, and dear old Miyazaki-san himself a disservice.

More than Morgan Jenkins wants to be a cat again, I want a piece of Howl fanart that pays its dues to Miss Angorian.